True Love Never Dies Even When Our Loved Ones Do
“What “was” your son’s name?” I internally bristle but try not to show my aggravation to the person asking the question. Similar questions and statements cause the same reaction: “How many children do you “still” have?” or “I know how much you “loved” him.”
I am not trying to condemn those who make these statements, ask these questions. Really, I’m not. I get it, before I lost my son I said similar things, asked similar questions of those suffering from the life altering event of losing someone close to them — of trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered soul and keep living on in spite of a terribly broken heart.
It’s normal, I guess, for others to put those we’ve lost in the past whether it’s a spouse, friend, child, parent or anyone else we grieve. Because it wasn’t their loved one that died and after the funeral our loved ones are no longer a daily part of their lives as they are ours. What others don’t understand is that by putting our loved ones in the past, it can diminish or dismiss our devastating loss — at least that’s how it can seem to those who are grieving.
Because our loved ones are no longer here in the flesh, they seem to somehow become less of a person or only just a part of our past we should forget about and go on. And that’s a problem for those of us who still and always will consider them part of our lives regardless of how long ago they left us.
It’s almost like saying that if you lost a limb or other critical body part, you’d just forget you ever had it. It’s no longer there so you don’t miss it. Though you may learn to compensate, your life is totally different because of what you lost. There’s a definite before and after the loss, an internal timeline of sorts only those who suffer the loss know about or are affected by long term.
So, what would be kinder, more compassionate to say to someone grieving the loss of a dear loved one? Here are a few responses that may make things easier for the griever and less awkward (hopefully) for the would-be comforter:
Instead of asking what their name “was”, try asking what their name “is” instead. Try not to ask how many children someone “still” has, allow the bereaved to include their deceased child in that number. Because as a mother, I am absolutely here to tell you I have 3 children — all 3 in Heaven but they are still my children — full term or not. And I totally expect to be reunited with all of them some day (future tense).
Instead of saying something like, “You had them for a really long time” (implying someone shouldn’t grieve) try saying, “It’s never long enough, is it?” Using the word “love” (present tense) instead of “loved” (past tense) lets the bereaved know it’s OK that their love for the one they lost is still there and that will never change. What a gift just that small word tense change can be to the soul that is already crushed by devastating grief.
What it really comes down to is this; true, deep love never just goes away — regardless of the time or space or distance between you and the one who is no longer here. Because they were physically here in the past, they will remain forever in our lives for the present and future. Though there is a physical separation there is no soul and heart separation just because we are physically separated.
As the old saying goes, “True love never dies”. I would like to add to that saying, “True love never dies even when our loved ones do”.
Jackie Deems copyright 2022
