Shadow Lands

Nightfall hangs heavily, like a dark cloud enveloping all semblance of light. I reach for the lamplight hesitating, unsure what the shadows will bring.

In the total darkness I can still see those angry faces, hear the voices telling me I am stupid, I’m not good enough and never will be — and so many other hateful, heart and hope crushing words and deeds meant to destroy me. In the darkness I cover my face but still see them, their ugly words and abusive actions touching the depths of my haunted, delicate soul.

I reach for the lamplight to dispel the shadows but they are illuminated instead. This time I face them down, tell them off, shout them away. Until the next time. There will be a next time. Always a next time.

This is my life. The only one I have. I am determined to live it. Every second of it. To fight for every inch of happiness and goodness and hope. To learn from my past — glean from it what I can, help and be a light to others. Even in the midst of my impending dark places. My Shadow Lands.

Because I know from the depths of my soul I am worthy. Despite all the hatred and vitriol that has been heaped on me from my childhood — all the dark lies meant to cripple and destroy me. To drown me in a sea of darkness, always seeking to surround and engulf me until I go under. For the last time.

I AM worthy! Someone died on a cross to make that point — to save me from a life of despair. To give me hope. And though I sometimes forget who I really am, He does not. He does not!

His light dispels the darkness and He is not disappointed in me that the shadows still exist in my life. He understands. His light dispels the darkness and shadows that I can’t. Until the next time.

There will be a next time. Always a next time.

But John 1: 5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

And this I know: With the help of God’s illuminating love, my Shadow Lands, my darkness, will never completely overcome me. It won’t!

Jackie Deems copyright 2021