Must You Really Go Home Again?
Dealing with family dysfunction at the Holidays and other days
For years I thought I was the only one. The only one who has family members with, let’s just say “issues”. The kind of “issues” that make holidays and special days look not at all like the Waltons or even slightly resemble Hallmark Movies or Norman Rockwell paintings.
My husband and I used to make the yearly trek driving many miles to have Christmas with the family. For years, we went. Each time I thought it would be different. Each year I thought would be the year I’d get my Norman Rockwell Painting. Each year I’d be disappointed my family painting looked more like a December illustration on the Far Side Calendar.
When I say “issues” I don’t mean Uncle Harry telling corny jokes at the Christmas table or anything that benign. Some of my actual Christmases included arguing and shouting and tears and people leaving. That’s because the aforementioned “issues” from years, and decades ago had never been resolved. Some were the result of generational dysfunction and even mental illness — some diagnosed, some not. These “issues” had been covered up, ignored, glossed over or tolerated and I remember hearing this phrase often, “That’s just how they are”. As if that made it OK or acceptable.
Keeping the peace was the goal at almost any cost, at least as long as the Christmas Dinner lasted. But it oftentimes couldn’t last that long and many times we’d leave town to come home early to get to our safe space and decompress from being with the family. How sad is that?
For years I thought I was the only one. I’d get those wonderful family photos from friends along with a glowing letter of how fabulous their year was. Fabulous? I’d settle for civil and sane.
I’ve read articles with titles like, “You Must Go Home Again”, “Don’t Ever Give Up On Your Family” and many others that in theory seemed like sound advice but fell extremely short of my reality. That’s because dysfunction and mental illness don’t take a holiday during the holidays. In fact, the extra stress from the holidays can make these “issues” even worse. Much worse.
As a Christ follower, I have struggled with how to react, how to connect, how to help fix things and tried different avenues in an effort to make things better. None of them worked. Not even a little. I’ve sometimes felt guilty for not magically making things better as if just the wanting to would make a difference.
I’ve tried changing my approach to the holidays and family members, not expecting too much. But that doesn’t change the fact of what is, I have dysfunctional people in my family with mental illness sprinkled in to make things even more difficult and frustrating and disappointing.
Since I’m not fond of beating my head against a concrete wall of dysfunction I decided years ago to quit exposing myself to it. I’ve stopped trying to keep the peace, make excuses or amends, ignore the dysfunction. Instead, I decided to do the mentally healthy thing for me — not engage with the crazy or even put myself in the same room with it. Literally. Instead, I’ve decided to stay in my cozy little home for the holidays with my husband. Just the two of us.
At first my decision met with some subtle attempts by others to get us to be present at the gatherings and I even guilted myself into almost believing (again) it would be different this time. But it wouldn’t be. I finally couldn’t even fool mysef with that line any longer.
As the old saying goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Insanity is something I literally know quite well and am finally OK with seeing it getting farther and farther away from me as I glance at it in the rear-view mirror of my life.
For years I thought I was the only one. But life experience has shown me I’m not. Life has also shown me we don’t have to sacrifice our sanity and special days to make others, bent on destroying what should be pleasant times, the ones who mandate what we do or do not do.
And to those who say “You Must Go Home Again” regardless of the situation I respectfully offer this: You most certainly do not have to go home again when that home is a den of dysfunction. Wish family and friends with “issues” well from afar — even love them from a distance. Pray for them, for the situation to change, for healing.
Finally, don’t slam shut the door, always leave it open just a little crack. You just may be surprised at what prayer and God can eventually do even with the most difficult of family “issues”.
Jackie Deems copyright 2022