Mending Fences

As of late I’ve felt the need to mend some broken down fences, and I don’t mean physical barriers. I mean emotional ones. Maybe it’s because of my recent stroke. Maybe it’s because I am finally able to let go of things that happened so long ago I no longer remember exactly what did happen, who said or did what. Maybe it’s because what happened no longer really matters when all is said and done.

I tend only to remember the always automatic hurt associated with the offense and the person involved. And that’s hard to overcome. I have felt justified and righteous and entitled to hold onto things that were done by others who wronged me, until they realize their wrongness and finally apologize for what they did. That’s the least they can do.

In one such case someone actually asked for my forgiveness and in my self-righteous holier than thou attitude, I refused to. I refused. That was 10 years ago. Ten years of not having someone in my life because of pride. What a ridiculous creature I am!

I drew the line in the sand, they crossed it. They saw that line, right? Maybe not. Maybe that line was only in my mind. Maybe I’d had no boundaries for so long they just crossed them unnoticed. Maybe I never told them the line was there. I just got more and more offended each time they crossed the lines in my mind — which made me more and more angry— and I built the fence between us higher so that neither of us could no longer see or hear the other. Or no longer cared to.

But in these just in my mind scenarios I have left no space for what I had done that helped cause some of the offenses. In the court of me I was totally blameless. Of course.

I have also foolishly allowed others gripes and grievances regarding others taint the way I feel about the person who has wronged them. In some cases, cutting people out of my life because of what others supposedly said about or did to someone else. Believing the worst is so much easier than believing the best.

All this is not to say all fences can or should be mended. Some cannot, some should not be because they are unsalvageable or actually serve as a barrier to protect further emotional harm. To try and mend these fences is a fool’s errand that will only end in more damage, possibly even a forced breach of the fence. The real wisdom comes from knowing when and if a fence should be mended.

So today I go with hammer, nails and fence posts in hand hoping to mend some fences I have built — hoping to tend, rebuild, shore up those fences that can be mended in a healthy way.

Perhaps I’ll even build a gate that swings both ways.

Jackie Deems copyright 2021