A Letter To Heaven
My Dearest Baby Girl,
There are so many things I want you to know.
First and foremost, I want you to know I love you more than life itself. I can’t tell you how happy I was when I found out I was going to be a mommy. Your mommy. I talked to you and sang to you even before you were born. I laughed when I sang praise songs at our church because you “danced” inside of me.
Before you were born I had (secret) plans and dreams for your life as all parents do. And I couldn’t wait for the day I could hold you close, when you would recognize my voice, my smell.
From the first moment I saw you I was totally in love with you. It was the best moment of my life. I was your mommy. Your mommy, Hazel Grace. And you were my very own beautiful miracle.
When we came home from the hospital we spent every sleepy waking hour together. I could not leave you, I could not walk away from my perfect baby girl — 2 hearts beating as 1.
Then in a blur of motion and emotion we had to part for a moment when you first became ill. Day after day I stayed by your side, willing you to live. Prayers were lifted up for you, sweet girl. Prayers literally from all over the world.
You fought hard, my little warrior girl. So hard. I would have taken your place in that hospital. I would have willingly taken your place. I prayed I could take your place.
But you could not stay. My heart’s loss was Heaven’s gain — 1 heart left beating now for 2.
Mommy is having such a hard time being without you, Hazel Grace. I cry a lot, I don’t know how to stop. I continually think about our moments together and dream about you when I am able to sleep. I wonder what it would be like if only you could have stayed. And I wonder how I will live my life without you.
Many people give me advice about how to go on living. But most of them have not lost the best part of themselves. They still have their children with them.
Some people say I should be glad you are in Heaven. I am glad you are safe in Heaven but, I would still rather have you here with me. Is that so wrong?
I am trying so hard to go on, to live my life for both of us. And when I think of your short life— how hard you fought to stay here, my little warrior girl — I know I have to stay here without you. I must honor your life by living mine.
Hazel Grace, I know you are happy. I know you are whole. I know you are loved beyond measure in our Heavenly Father’s presence. I know you have the most wonderful future — an eternity with God.
And I want you to know, my baby girl, you were and always will be the greatest joy and miracle in my life.
I am so proud of you and I am so proud to be called your mommy.
I will never forget you. I will always long to be with you.
Until that time that we are.
Forever together with Our Father in Heaven.
I love you now and for eternity,
Mommy
Jackie Deems copyright 2019
