I Thought I Was Done With Grief
I thought I was done with grief, gotten over it, through it, swept it out of my heart and mind, locked it in a dark closet — banished it from my life.
But here it stands in front of me again like an all-encompassing dark shroud as it did the day you first left. A lump in my throat stubbornly escapes into uncontrollable tears and anguish and all the remembrances of that day. Each tiny detail etched forever on my soul.
The day your heart was stilled I believed mine was too, at least at the moment I first heard the most awful words ever spoken, “He’s gone”. He’s gone? He’s gone!
How can it be? It can’t. It is. It is.
And though you didn’t leave today or yesterday or a week ago, it feels like it. It feels like it. Today, in this moment, it feels like it.
Time has gone on without you, keeping you frozen as you were at the moment you left. There are no new pictures of you, phone calls, messages — visits. There are no holidays, birthdays, reunions, and other days to share with you.
My heart is still so full of love for you, but the places you filled in my life remain empty. What do I do with that? What do I do?
I go on, that’s what I do. What choice do I have? It’s what you would want. I know it is. To live my life for both of us, 2 hearts beating as one — until I see you again.
It’s hard, so hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Dear God, I hope it’s the hardest thing. Please let it be the hardest thing, I don’t think I can survive anything harder.
I thought I was done with grief, gotten over it, through it, swept it out of my heart and mind, locked it in a dark closet — banished it from my life.
But I hadn’t. I hadn’t. And even though it’s gotten more tolerable, even better — sometimes happy, even joyful — it will never be completely done. Because what is etched forever on your soul cannot ever be erased.
I thought I was done with grief. But I wasn’t.
Jackie Deems copyright 2022
