Disappointed With God

I’ve been a little brokenhearted for the past few days. It’s not the first time and I know it won’t be the last.

Just before dark 3 nights ago I was checking my flock and pastures for the last time. A few pastures down from where I stood, I saw what looked like a downed sheep. As my eyes adjusted to twilight, I realized the sheep was actually a deer just inside the pasture fence. I assumed she was caught in the fence so grabbed my fence cutters and ran towards her — 2 of my Livestock Guard Dogs (LGD’s) that patrolled those pastures followed. Poppy, my 3rd LGD was lying next to the adult doe.

My heart sank when I got closer, the beautiful doe was already dead. I assumed my LGD’s “held” the deer in the pasture where she entered, keeping her from the sheep. My LGD’s don’t typically viciously attack an intruder in the pasture unless it’s a coyote or dog. I typically find raccoons, possums, skunks — even mice or birds the LGD’s have killed “protecting” their sheep. This doe had no marks on her. Not even 1. However it happened; the beautiful, graceful young deer was dead. Very dead.

It was too dark for me to safely take the doe from the pasture, so I decided to remove her early the next day. Unfortunately, it rained — no poured — that whole day making it even more muddy and treacherous for me to move the deer with each new deluge. It bothered me she had to lay there for another day. It bothered me even more that Poppy was still guarding the doe keeping it from hurting her sheep, and she wouldn’t leave the deer long enough to eat as she watched her from under a nearby pavilion.

I couldn’t rest until the deer was out of the field and even had dreams — no nightmares — about how terrified the poor deer had to have been, what my dogs had done, how the deer had to stay in the pasture longer than I’d hoped. My deep love for animals weighed down my weary heart and mind.

My husband and I have lived on our farm for almost 30 years and the previous owner had lived here 25 years. For over 50 years there had been no hunting on our property. For over half a century the deer on our property had been safe living here in the woods laying their fawns on soft pine needle beds. For almost 30 years I watched “my” deer drinking from our pond, eating the tall grass we leave uncut for them in a field just behind our house.

The more I thought about it, the more I found myself getting a bit unhappy, even disappointed with my LGD’s because of what they’d done. I didn’t reprimand them, I praised them for protecting their sheep from the “predator” deer. I knew I had to do that — even though I was brokenhearted.

I tried not to show my true feelings, to be obvious about it, but they sensed how I felt anyways. They approached me warily instead of exuberantly, their heads down waiting for me to give them the sign to come to be petted and loved — my arms outstretched, my hands open. I was just so sad, so very sad because of what they’d done I couldn’t embrace them fully yet.

I told myself over and over again they were just doing what they were born to do — what I expected them to do — protect their flock. And that’s just what they did, even though I didn’t approve of the way they’d done it. I understand LGD’s don’t differentiate between meat eating predators like coyotes and plant eating animals like deer when guarding their sheep. If an animal breaches the pasture fence, all bets are off. Regardless of how often I try to “school” them in what is dangerous and what is not.

I asked my Good Shepherd to lighten my heart and remove the threatening dark cloud of regret and guilt over the death of the deer because of the dogs I had brought in to protect my sheep. And I realized how — if I were to be totally honest — I sometimes withhold my love or am disappointed with how my Shepherd handles things in my life that could harm me, and in those times find it difficult to praise Him because I am brokenhearted.

I often see only the obvious, the dead deer in the pasture. I don’t always see or understand the underlying reasons why the LGD’s do what they do to protect their sheep. Sometimes, I treat my Good Shepherd the same way. I often think I know why and how God should do things — even have it all planned out. When He goes in another direction, I may even withhold some of my love, am a bit unhappy with Him, close my hands and my heart to my Shepherd. For a time.

Still, He stands waiting — His arms outstretched, His hands open waiting for me to understand He wants only the best for me and all His beloved sheep.

He waits. Until I finally get over myself, accept His love and protection, and surrender my broken heart to His perfect will. Even — no especially — when I don’t understand it.

Jackie Deems copyright 2023

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8.9