A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I had a stroke and my life was changed forever, though not in the way you might think.

At the time, I suspected but did not know for sure I was having a stroke. Even though the whir of activity and serious looks on the faces of those working in the ER should have revealed the seriousness of what was happening, I did not feel it or understand it. Who can understand a whole new world instantly?

The weakness and numbness on my left side became more pronounced as I lay there listening, praying, trying to fully grasp what was happening. I did not know that the prayers of others, hundreds across the country — mostly strangers — were surrounding and engulfing me in God’s comfort and peace.

I had no fear because of those prayers. I literally had no fear.

I hadn’t been hospitalized since 1978 for the birth of my son. I was hospitalized for only 3 days when I had my stroke. Just 3 days.

New medications made me violently sick so they were changed out for other new drugs making me just as violently sick, then others. Until I finally decided to proactively change my diet and other life things while keeping some of the new medications my system would tolerate.

I have no residual paralysis (a miracle) but I do have some muscle weakness, stamina and fine motor skill issues. I fatigue much more quickly and get overwhelmed more easily. I am different cognitively and emotionally and have memory lapses. These things I do daily battle with to try and fight back from. But they may be permanent.

I stopped counting the times I have said to my my husband, “I really can’t help it”, before bursting into tears of frustration. I rarely cried before my stroke.

But all these things are nothing to what could have been: permanent paralysis, severe cognitive or mobility issues, etc. I could be living in a nursing home. A nursing home instead of my own home.

Now that is sobering. And also reason for great thanksgiving.

I have lost some things in life because of my stroke but have realized and gained even more. For years I’ve lived in a disjointed kind of way, flying frantically from one self-imposed deadline to another — always taking on too much for one person to ever accomplish or do well. Still, I kept adding to my impossible list of things I must do. I realized it was pride that fueled my frenetic life. It was the inward feeling that getting things done made me more acceptable.

But all this way of life did was wear me out, leave me totally frustrated because I could never measure up to an impossible bar set by me. It left my relationships lacking and kept me from really feeling — experiencing life and my true feelings of sorrow and joy and everything in between.

My stroke was a warning shot across the bow, a chance to reset my priorities, my internal voice, to notice and truly experience life outside the whirlwind I had created. To slow down physically and emotionally — to recharge my soul. To give myself permission to sit on a bench and enjoy my beautiful surroundings without guilt of what I “should” be doing instead. To be fully present in the present instead of thinking about the next thing and the next. To take a nap, read a book, watch a sunset— to just breathe.

In other words, I need to allow myself to be who I am now in this stage of my life — who God wants me to be.

I have always believed each life experience we have allows us to understand and come alongside others going through similar situations. If the residual effects from my stroke make me more relatable to others and usable for God — more compassionate and patient and understanding— then I will gladly deal with them.

Yes, I have lost some things because of my stroke but I have gained some things too, the most notable being I am even more determined to finish well this race called life for God’s glory, to use each day to try and further His Kingdom in some small way — but to try to do it more His way.

A year ago today I had a stroke and my life was changed forever, though not in the way you might think. It’s better. It’s actually better.

Jackie Deems copyright 2021